Not everyone who is into power play is into water sports; not everyone who likes it missionary likes it with the lights off. So forget role playing. In sex as in anything else, it's easier to be or even just appear mainstream. And that, I think, is what's missing from vanilla sex. Sexual preference can't be faked at least not well or to everyone's mutual pleasure , and the couple playing around with a set of fuzzy handcuffs might get some thrill out of feeling "bad" for an evening, but those cuffs will quickly end up in the junk drawer with the all the crumpled receipts and paint stirrers incidentally a fantastic DIY stand-in for spanking paddles if it's just not their thing. If I'm not kinky, a year-old straight woman who only watches lesbian porn asks, why am I so interested in the idea of a threesome?
The one thing the kink community definitely has on vanilla sex havers is that they are, generally, better equipped to talk about it, less embarrassed to try new things, more open to the idea that sex and relationships involve a continual renegotiation of boundaries and preferences. Sure, our sex-obsessed yet sexuality-negative culture means everyone feels kind of terrible about their sexuality, but " vanilla privilege " is very much a real thing, intersecting in particular with the more familiar white and heterosexual privileges. And that, I think, is what's missing from vanilla sex. No one's sex life is exactly like anyone else's, and as such, to try to classify one type of sex as standard or basic is ridiculous. It's worth noting that any fear or self-consciousness felt by those participating in vanilla sex is not the same as the real, actual stigma facing practitioners of kink. The issue with understanding vanilla—the supposed "standard," mainstream version of sex—is that its definition is relative. No toys, no power play, no costumes, no imagined identities, safe words, or porn. Not a notoriously imaginative bunch to begin with, the vanilla-identified sex havers of the world are buying the suggested sex toys and other accessories in droves, reinforcing the time-honored truth that making people feel ashamed of themselves is a great way to sell basically anything. Rather than trying to "spice up" your love life with imported sexual practices that don't fit your tastes, why not borrow kink culture's emphasis on dialogue and enthusiastic consent? Additional criticisms presume that some kinksters may look down upon vanilla folk as being less advanced, less liberated, or under-educated, though this assumption is considered baseless as many that self identify as vanilla are kink aware and simply have decided that such a path is not for them. Because their way of sex, rightly or wrongly, is not considered the default, the kink community has had to develop an incredibly specific and far-reaching vocabulary with which to discuss and examine wants, desires, and actions. Sexual preference can't be faked at least not well or to everyone's mutual pleasure , and the couple playing around with a set of fuzzy handcuffs might get some thrill out of feeling "bad" for an evening, but those cuffs will quickly end up in the junk drawer with the all the crumpled receipts and paint stirrers incidentally a fantastic DIY stand-in for spanking paddles if it's just not their thing. So what's the problem with vanilla sex? The problem, of course, is that buying a riding crop for a night doesn't make you enjoy getting spanked. In an especially hot take, the Huffington Post suggests: So forget role playing. Monica Heisey is a writer from Toronto. That depends on whom you ask. If I'm not kinky, a year-old straight woman who only watches lesbian porn asks, why am I so interested in the idea of a threesome? A distinct lack of desire for any kind of sex position other than missionary. The kind of sex The Cleavers probably had, if they had it at all. The danger of vanilla is seeing it as "default" when it's as amorphous as any individual kinky person's sexual preferences. Buy some silk boxers! Sorry if that sounds kind of vanilla. As such, what is vanilla and what is not is largely up to how someone interprets the data in their own minds.
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